There are some things you just don’t comment on that most people seem to agree on–like asking a woman if she’s gained weight or if she’s pregnant yet (though some people still seem to have trouble minding their business on that last one). When it comes to moms who have high-functioning but neurodiverse kids, the well-meaning comments are just that–well meant. In practice though that isn’t how they come across. Here are three common phrases you might hear as a mom of neurodiverse littles and why they come across as obnoxious (it’s not you). 

1. S/He seems fine/doesn’t look like they have a disability.
   1. This one can be such a hard thing to hear. As a mom, you know your child better than anyone (except the good Lord) and you’ve done enough researching and second-guessing for a small metropolitan area. When you finally get a diagnosis and are working on helping to accommodate your child, it can feel incredibly dismissive to have someone tell you your child looks or seems fine. Like it’s a judgement on you or like you’re making it all up. It can feel very hurtful. And it’s okay to feel hurt. The truth is  in many cases, someone doesn’t look like they have a disability. You know that disabilities can come in many different ways and the same disability can present itself very differently between different people. However, not everyone recognizes that. No matter how others view the situation and what their opinion is, you know that your child has a diagnosis and whether they believe it or not doesn’t change how very real it is for your child and family. Feel free to toss their inaccurate and unasked for opinion to the side. They’re not living your life, you are. And you don’t owe them a front row seat. 
2. Everyone is looking for a diagnosis these days.
   1. I’m throwing it back to 2008 with this phrase but this sentiment really grinds my gears. Similarly to the sentiment from the first it definitely feels like gaslighting. It dismisses not only your lived experiences (and the hours of concern, overthinking, anxiety, research, medical appointments, etc.) but also dismisses the experiences of your child. This one stings because while we absolutely adore our children just the way God made them, we honestly were not looking for a diagnosis. No mother wants their child to struggle–especially the way our neurodivergent children do. With high-masking ND children, so much of their lived experiences that pertain to their diagnosis happen behind closed doors. The effect of this can be feeling isolated as a parent because these things seem to mostly happen just at home. That doesn’t negate the fact that it’s happening elsewhere too, Mama. Our high-masking kids are just great at blending in until they get home. You’re their safe place and that’s why you see the behaviors that others never will. 
3. S/He just needs some old-fashioned discipline/a spanking.
   1.  Oof. This one. Our children don’t lack discipline. They also don’t respond to discipline the way their neurotypical peers might. I personally don’t condone or utilize physical discipline, but the point of this isn’t a judgement of parenting practices. It’s the fact you can’t beat neurodiversity out of someone. It’s not a choice they’re making. It’s not a behavioral problem to be fixed. Their brain is quite literally wired differently. So for someone to indicate that the child is a problem and should be hit to resolve it, that is affronting. It’s also insensitive. They don’t know what you’ve tried–the counselors, the parenting books, the frameworks, all of the things you’ve done to pour into your ND kiddo to help raise and disciple them well. In these instances feel free to say “We will not participate in conversations about how we discipline/raise our children”. And if they can’t respect that, walk away. 

It’s a crazy world out there and social media and the internet (along with so many other factors) have led to people feeling they have the right to share their thoughts and opinions without you getting upset by it. If someone tries to make you feel bad for upsetting you, that’s unhealthy. Feel free to walk away from them. Your feelings are valid and your life and lived experience with your ND child(ren) is your own. 

Our judgement-free community of moms of neurodivergent kids goes live on April 23rd after our online mini-retreat. We’d love for you to join us.